I didn't want to take this journey, but now that I'm on it...

As a responsible, red-blooded man, there's a list of things that you never want to hear. It's a relatively short one--things like someone you know is dead, your significant other has (a) cheated, (b) decided you are no longer significant to them, (c) spent all of your money, (d) wrecked the family car. This list generally impacts the things a man holds as key to his core identity. Probably one of the most heinous things to hear, is that you are no longer required at your place of employment.

Ask most men about themselves, and the first thing they respond with is their job; "I'm a lawyer," "I'm a contractor," "I'm a plumber," no matter what their vocation, it is integral to their being.

I was a Production Supervisor, a good one, for a division of a national dairy co-operative. I didn't necessarily hold it as my life's ambition, but I took pride in the fact that I gave it 100%, every time I walked in the doors. I'm writing about the day I heard that I was no longer required, and my journey since that day.

"We're going in a different direction..."

If those are the words that are spoken, or any other combination that spells "goodbye", and you've had nothing indicated to you that you may be in jeopardy, they strike you with the force of a sledgehammer, right in the stomach. Your first impulse is panic. How are the bills going to be paid? How will your family eat? How will you be able to buy Christmas presents? These questions shoot rapid-fire through your mind. Then you think of things like, What am I going to tell people? Are people going to believe that I'm not fired? How am I going to face my wife? My kids? My family?

The panic starts to fade, as soon as the anger starts to boil. How dare they let ME go? Just who the @#&K do they think they are!?! They are going to rue this day!!! You get the point, and in fact, there is probably a lot more expletives flowing at this time, so it's better to move on.

In my particular case, the answers about financial matters were quickly answered by a discussion involving a severance package, that I am contractually obligated to not discuss, though upon some investigation it proved to be fair, not extravagant, but fair.

In a matter of a few moments, I had been transformed from a loyal employee of almost 5 years, to a speechless, shell-shocked, unemployed guy, who had to be escorted from the premises that the very day before I was completely responsible for, for huge chunks of time. This is stuff that happens to others, never me! Well, it certainly can happen, it certainly did.

There are things that I will remember about this job, that will certainly sound like a disgruntled former employee, so I will hold my tongue, for the most part. I will not forget the wonderful people I worked with, as well as the not-so wonderful. I will never forget the callousness of being led into a meeting, about to have my world smashed, by someone who wanted to see me "for a minute..." I won't forget becoming "expendable", on the second day of my week, because it was more convenient than meeting me on a Sunday night (my Monday). I will remember these as a guide on how people should be shown respect and courtesy, even if they don't fit into the long-term plans of a company. I will never show someone the same discourtesy that was shown to me.

As you drive home, your stomach sinks lower and lower into your abdomen, as you dread the first person you must impart this news to, your wife. You have always taken pride in the fact that you are the provider, you are the rock, that stuff needs to be done, and you do it. Now, you must show vulnerability, you must be less than your image of yourself, and you feel small. My wife, after the shock of the whole thing wore off, was a pillar of support for me. She never once pointed a finger, and I'll never be able to repay her for her rebuilding me, making me feel whole.

The most respectful thing that the company did in transitioning me into unemployment, was to provide me the services of a career transitionalist. It was a kind of "we can't use you, but someone else may, and here's someone to help you find them" gesture, but it was valuable. I dealt originally with a guy named Terry, from a firm in London, who while being very likable and intense, was very unhelpful. Like Anthony Powers, but without a seminar, or a high-powered car salesman without a car lot. He did however, put me in touch with Allison, who helped me assemble the things I needed to craft a kick-ass resume, which I can attest, opens doors. Thanks Allison.

There are many handy things a transitionalist will speak of, the "hidden" job market, how to build your network, and therefore your potential to find a job. They also say that most jobs aren't found in postings and advertisements, they are found by calling the companies on your "target list". I say, respectfully, if someone wants to hire someone, then they post an ad, they are the most likely ones to be hiring. But, what do I know, I was just an unemployed guy?

I learned some valuable interview skills from them, I learned how to use the search tools available to everyone online, and I learned to rely on myself. Ultimately, there is only one person who is able to help you find employment, you.

So I had a new full-time job, finding one, that paid. You are told by everyone you come across in the job-finding industry, to expect at least a six-month search. For me, six months was too long--I needed no more than 4. Cue the hard work.

I have found from personal experience, that the "hidden job market" is hidden for a reason, because it doesn't exist. I advocate a simple approach, once you have a stellar resume, and are connected to the various search engines and job sites, apply, apply, apply. Apply to any and every job that vaguely resembles something you can do. Apply to jobs near and far, even if you are extremely limited as to locations you can accept employment in. Put your kick-ass resume into cyber-space in as many nooks and crannies as you possibly can, and then, wait.

The waiting sucks, hard. It sucks, but it can pay off, as soon you will be getting calls from recruiters, from companies, and hopefully one will pay off. Never say no to someone right away, even if they are from Cornwall, because you want to get that next step along the process, because if you handle it right, you can inch your way into talking to the person with the right chance, your chance.

What else that sucks, is the total disregard that potential employers hold for you. They expect you to jump the moment that they call you for an interview. Which you must do, or else. They expect you to wait patiently for them, 20 minutes after your appointment time, because they got sidetracked. They expect you to lay out your soul for them, to explain and defend every move you have ever made in life, so they can pass judgement on you as a person. Then they promise to call you by a certain date, because it is only polite to do so, regardless of the outcome, but never call.

Looking for a job, is a life-lesson on how little value we have as members of society, if we are unlucky enough to be unemployed. It is also a hard-knocks school we can attend to strengthen ourselves as individuals, and to create our own 10 Commandments of how to treat people with dignity and respect, despite the station they occupy in life.

Well 18 interviews later, and in only 4 months, (Thank you very much!) I had not one but two final job offers!! It merely took applying to upwards of 400 positions, and countless prayers. A final lesson, never discount the help of the Almighty when searching for your place in life.

I am engrossed in training with a company that I selected from my two offers not because they offered more money, because they didn't, but because they were one of the only ones in my search who made a commitment and honoured it. I hope for a long and profitable future with them, living by the new lessons I have had these past few months.

When life hands you lemons, and you want to kick it in the stones, don't. Take that energy and make lemonade, it just tastes better.

I need a Cigarette...I just had "Multiple Rants"

I'm sorry, I haven't posted in a few days, okay more like 10 or 11, but I've been busy. It's work, you know, soaking up the world's follies and trying to organize them into coherent paragraphs. I didn't have one major item that annoyed me greatly, so here are a bunch of smaller ones:

1/ Remember, Mom said to wear clean underwear when you're travelling, just in case... : Okay, so there are bad people in the world, nobody argues with that. Why then, are people arguing with the installation of body scanners at airports? Duh! I was stuck in a line-up for a car wash yesterday and while I was listening to a radio talk show (Yes, I like AM radio, what of it?) I heard supposedly intelligent people calling in complaining about their right to privacy. How about my right not to get blown up by an idiot with a bomb shoved up his ass?

The president of Ryerson's School of Law(and something else), a Dr. Levinn(?) came on in strong opposition of the scanners. He likened the scanners to us living in a dictatorship, with no rights, and the government subjugating us and oppressing us. He felt we were sliding down a slippery slope, and the government was taking the easy way out, installing machines to scan everybody, instead of keeping proper intelligence on "questionable" individuals, or groups of people, and just bothering them when they try to travel. He would rather we pull aside every 20-35 year-old and hand-scan them (those are the ages of most of our terrorists?), or every person of the nationality whose country we deem to be our greatest threats, rather than scanning innocent individuals. Gee, that sounds like he is promoting a prejudiced, profiling view, unfairly targeting huge sections of innocent individuals.
If we were to adopt his methods, we would be throwing ourselves whole-heartedly back in time, to when it was okay to stereotype whole races. Blacks are stupid, ignorant people, let's make them slaves. The Irish are dumb immigrants, trying to steal our jobs, nobody hire them. Women aren't capable of rational thought, don't give them the vote. All Muslims are terrorists, put them all away.
None of these are true, so we can't let logic like that prevail. It is true that there are dumb black people and Irish people, but there are certainly an equal number of other dumb people. Some women have trouble making decisions, but so do some men. Some Muslims are terrorists, but no more than any other religion. When we separate one group to "look at closer" we are more guilty of oppression than having every single person go through a scanner.
I remember simple logic that my mother taught me, when we were little kids. It's only fair if everyone gets to do it. It's only fair to bring treats to school if there's enough for everyone. It's only fair to play with a toy if everyone gets to play. It's only fair to have scanners at the airport if everyone has to be scanned.
So, suck it up, make sure you have on clean underwear, and go through the damn scanner. You'll only get in trouble, if you happen to have a bomb on you.

2/ Where in the World is Tiger Woods?: Where is he? Since I last mentioned him, he hasn't been seen, except sneaking in and out of a cosmetic dentistry office. Is it possible that yours truly drove him into hiding? If he's too embarrassed to show his face because his wife really did knock his teeth in with a golf club, then he's more of a coward than I thought. You did a bad thing, she did a totally understandable thing, be a man and accept the consequences. The world is continuing to spin without Tiger, you are just making yourself look like more of an ass.

3/ Team Canada lost at the World Juniors, We're DOOMED!!: So, Canada only won silver this year, and didn't make it 6 consecutive gold medals. Boo Hoo. Then I read online how pathetic we are as a nation, and our hockey programs are garbage, that we will not win at the Olympics. How about being proud of those young men who really gave it their all to try and bring the gold home? We are doing those guys a huge disservice.
Canada is the greatest country on earth, and I am sick of everyone not giving us our due. I don't feel we have to completely hitch our wagons to the "Hockey Star". We do far more than play hockey here. We created the telephone, the snow-mobile, and the Blackberry! We kick ass at curling. (Okay, so that's a stretch, yahoo!) So, show some pride, and be glad to be Canadian.
Incidentally, we ARE going to win gold at the Olympics.

4/ At Walmart yesterday, guess what I found on a shelf?: A brown paper cup...GRRRRRRRR!!
Does nobody have any decency out there?

5/ To whomever blinked their high beams at me on the 401...: You know who you are, driving a silver Honda Civic, between the hours of 1:30pm and 2:27pm, between Ingersoll and Woodstock. What the @#%&!?! If I am going 124kms/hr, and passing all the vehicles in the other two lanes, DO NOT come screaming out of nowhere in the middle lane, then jump in behind me, and blink for me to get over. If you hadn't been in that lane, then I would have been able to move over to let you pass. If we weren't both passing the other cars, I would have pulled over to let you pass. But, why are YOU so much more important than I, so much so that I have to slow my progress towards my destination and fall in behind slower cars to let you move on through?
Drivers licenses should only be issued to those who are not stupid. Then there would be lots of space left for the precious few of us left, out there on the roads.

6/ This is actually a thumbs up!: The Canadian Supreme Council of Muslims issued a farwa(?), declaring that attacks of Canada and the USA are actually attacks on MUSLIMS.
Now, a positive step against jihad. Like I said, not all muslims are terrorists, in fact, there are 20 million muslims in North America, freely worshipping. 20 imams, or leaders from major mosques are standing up for those who aren't, and pointing out to the terrorists who is actually getting hurt in these senseless attacks. It's about time someone made some sense!

Stay tuned for more, same bat blog...

I see Brown, I see Red!

Today I feel the need to question authority. A need to question laws, both existentially and divine. Maybe I need to wonder if as a nation, it is possible to become brain-washed? Or, how could a government allow wholesale mind-control, nay even participate in it?

Who pray tell is the culprit, the evil genius behind all this? Who has our country so addicted that we can't do anything without first lining up for our fix? Who is infiltrating our minds and consciousness, converting us from free thinkers, into subjugated tweakers, at the mercy of percolating doom machines.

I'll merely refer to them as TH. It could mean Top Hats, Tom Hughes', or many other combinations of those letters. Or, it may not.

I'll begin by saying I have nothing against free enterprise. I do not take issue with a company being profitable, by whatever means is morally possible. And I will also say that this is my own opinion, not supported by any group or organization, and not supported by any facts or information gained illegally or otherwise. This is pure conjecture, though it may be portrayed as truths. (There, in case someone from TH happens across this, I won't be sued, I hope.)

I will also stipulate that I enjoy much of the fare offered by TH, in moderation of course. I do not however, enjoy drinking TH coffee, which is a personal choice, one that may enable the still free-functioning thought processes that allow me to write this blog.

To my knowledge, there has not been a law passed by provincial or federal governments that grants TH coffee special status, and as such not subject to all the taxation or laws that govern our nation. Why is it that traffic laws in areas surrounding TH stores become nullified during peak rush hours? Namely before work, during lunch, and Sunday mornings? Long line-ups in Drive-Thru cause back ups sometimes 20 cars long into the street. Not to worry, if we want to go INTO the parking lot and actually get OUT of our cars to walk in for our cups of social demise, we can drive on the wrong side of the street, and get upset when someone driving on the correct side impedes our progress. No police officer in the nation would cite us for an accident caused due to that, right? Similarly, there are traditionally large sections of NO PARKING along the curb in front of, or at the side of TH store locations. Yet I continually see cars clogging turning lanes, or blocking traffic, as the drivers lurch in, "for just a quick second..." to get their insulated vats filled. Or, in some situations, tractor trailers parked at the side, causing massive chaos, as through traffic is forced to dart out and around them, at their peril. All this with very little consequence, as it seems law enforcers turn a blind eye to laws that impede free access to the brown nectar.

If you have read my prior postings, you may be aware that I was raised as a Catholic, an observing one. In all my years as such, I was never aware of the 11th Commandment, "Thou shall have unhindered access to TH coffee". In studies of world religions, I have never come across a similar tenet of faith that guaranteed TH as a divine right. Yet, we feel completely free to bring it with us wherever we go. Going to the grocery store, better stop for one. Going to the hardware store, jeez, swing by the Drive-Thru. Going to work, wow, really need one. Going to the mall, great, don't have to stop, we'll get one there. Here's the one that actually prompted this rant, I was reading a post on FB, that someone actually had the nerve to bring some to CHURCH!!! Talk about a feeling of Divine Rights!

I find it repugnant that I cannot go to Walmart without seeing a full third of people trolling the aisles with a familiar paper cup clutched in their hands. What is especially offensive is finding their empty cups stashed on shelves or in empty spaces behind fire extinguishers. Did the associate from store standards sign up to be your maid? Probably not.

Does the standard shopping cart come with a cupholder? Nope. So this forces people to abandon any semblance of manners and grip the cup by its edge in their front teeth when they have to actually pick up an item. Luckily in our country dental work isn't covered by our universal medical care. How many orthodontic procedures would be required to cure the "paper cup over-bite"?

How much revenue is lost in businesses due to people bringing in their own TH? In Walmart alone, the losses must be huge. Every location has its own McDonalds outlet, which sells coffee. I'm not going praise the virtues of McDonalds, but why should it suffer at the hands of a competitor, inside its own premises? How many local arenas, curling clubs or sports facilities suffer lost concessions? I support my children's development, sure, but not if it is going to get in the way of my fix!

I applaud our local bowling alley. Posted prominently on their door is a sign that reads "NO Outside Food or Drink, This includes TH". I used to love to sit while my kid played in the youth league and watch the faces of the incensed parents who, true to their conditioning, stopped off on the way, only to have to take it back to the car and let it go cold. "What do you mean I can't bring it here, it's TH?!?" I enjoy Diet Pepsi, but they only sold Diet Coke. Guess what I drank at the bowling alley?

People need to ask themselves, "Do I really need to drink it?" Is it really necessary to bring it to school, to work, to the store, to CHURCH? It is possible to brew coffee at a location other than a TH, you can do it at home, even. People have done it for centuries.

Often those folks who have the unfortunate addiction to smoking are looked down upon, because they cannot go hours and hours without lighting up. I say we should cast that downward glance further afield, and gaze upon those who can't make it from breakfast to lunch without getting the jitters. Those who can't sit through an assembly at their child's school without a cup of lost free will. Those who can't last the 40 minutes or so it takes to pick out their family's food for the week. Gaze downward on them, until they can gain the necessary perspective to function in life.

I'll end this by saying don't quit drinking coffee, just quit letting it run our lives. Let's have one significant memory of a special event that doesn't include a brown paper cup somewhere in it.

Let's try something crazy, and have a cup of tea, instead.

I got what I wanted for Christmas...AND it fits Perfectly!!!

So, every year someone talks about how it's the little things that make Christmas special. Every year you think, "yeah, right...". But I'm here to tell you, there may be something to it...

I grew up in a family with 4 kids, and Mom and Dad weren't rich--we never wanted for anything, but let's just say we weren't Rockefellers. We were also a religious family, not pounding door to door with bibles, but we went to church every week, and especially on holidays. So when Christmas came around, we each got one big present, the "whatever" we really really wanted, and some smaller ones. We planned our festivities around the times we went to church, and even though as a child you didn't relish the time spent there, there was a certain magesty about it that lent a festive solemnity to Christmas that made it special. I still remember the lighting of advent wreaths, and the massive nativity scene that was set up in our parish church every year, celebrating the birth behind the holiday.

Christmas meant more than just the gifts we received, not that I'm complaining about the gifts, I LOVED the gifts. It's just that there was two parts of Christmas, the presents AND the religion. It often gets overlooked in the commercialized hubbub of today that Christmas is a celebration of Christ, not a celebration of Toys 'R' Us, or Walmart or any other large retailer. Just recently this was shown to me by my daughter, who goes to our local catholic school, when she received a Virtue Award, for celebrating the virtue of Hope in December by reminding her classmates that Christmas wasn't just about presents, it was about Jesus. I was there in the gym when she received her certificate and watched her proudly display it, and it was my first gift this Christmas.

It can be easy to feel resentful of Christmas, when you think about all the money required to have a "perfect" Christmas. This year finds me unemployed at the holidays, so I am extra conscious of the pennies spent in pleasing our kids. I don't subscribe to the notion that they have to have the most stuff of any kid in school, but I also don't want them to feel like they are short-changed. I don't resent buying them stuff they'll enjoy, just that feeling that if they don't have as many presents as the Jones', I'm being a neglectful parent. No parent wants to deny their child happiness, but should we feel we have to spend our last shekels buying it?

"I may not be rich in material things, but I am rich where it
counts..."

This line comes in many fables and fairy tales, but it has some validity to it. I can be rich if I have many valued friends. I am definitely rich if I have my family around me. I can assure you that there is only one moment in one's life that's more desolate than when Christmas Eve comes around and you are alone. That moment is when you are done watching your kids open their presents, you see how happy they are, then you have to leave.

The best gift I have ever received was when my wife and I, separated for more than two years, reconciled. It wasn't at Christmas, but it I still count it a gift every day, and every special occaision that requires the giving of gifts. It completes my list, every time. It gave me back the one person I was meant to be with, and it gave me back my family. It cost nothing, yet it is the only gift that keeps on giving. Giving moments of both extreme happiness, and extreme frustration, and all the little points in between.

So indeed, it was with great relief that I surveyed my children's happy faces this morning as they tore into their lovingly wrapped packages (my beautiful wife is to thank for that, not me). We managed to pull it off for one more year. Even as those happy children, only a few moments later, ripped into each other, I still thanked the Lord for my gifts this Christmas, because they fit just perfectly.

If I had a Million Dollars...

Have you ever laid your head down upon your pillow at night, after going that afternoon and taking that leap of faith and purchased a lottery ticket. There's that moment of certainty, that THIS time, there's no doubt, that THIS time it'll be YOUR number called out when all the little ping pong balls fall into the tubes. Isn't that feeling wonderful?

First thoughts: Depending on how much money you're going to win, is "How much money can I give away to my family and friends, and still be filthy rich?" Now, this is a valid question, because giving away a chunk of the money is vital--it saves you from appearing to be greedy, and it ensures that if your relatives win money they give some back to you. More importantly, if you're like me, and you offer a small prayer for success, you are getting on the good side of the Lord about the good works you will do if he just this one time, alters the goings on down here for your benefit. It never hurts to enlist His aid. It never seems to amount to much in terms of dollars and cents won, but you are certainly going to lose if you say, "Lord, I'm going to keep every last penny, buy the mortgages on my family's homes, foreclose and make a killing. Mom and Dad have an absolutely GREAT location..."

Now, once you've got the good deeds out of the way, and you're still filthy rich, what is the first thing you want to buy, for YOU? For me, it has always been about a car. A Mustang, to be exact. I've wanted a really souped up, hot rod, fancy one since I was old enough to hear the throaty rumble, and read 5.0 on the side of the car. The conundrum: Do I buy an old classic one, or a new modern one? Ford has really aided this decision recently as they have gone quite retro in the design of my dream car. I can have my cake AND eat it too! Yay, me!

Of course, driving a Mustang in the winter can be dangerous, with all that power and torque. Besides that, driving a muscle car in winter is for those that can't afford a beater. Let's buy an SUV, they're safer in bad weather, right? Can anyone say, Lincoln Navigator? A black one, with all the bells and whistles. That should suffice. It also serves a use, I can tow my boat with it, or my snowmobile trailer. Gotta be practical, right?

My wife needs a new car too, whatever she wants. Pretty sure she wants an Escape. Maybe if we show up at the dealership with a wad of cash we can get a really good deal? Maybe at cost...Just because I'm rich, it doesn't mean I want to waste money. And as for our van, our perfectly good minivan, that we both really enjoy driving, and is the nicest vehicle we've owned to date: I'm sure we have a friend who'll buy it from us. Even if we sell it at a loss.

So now I've got a bitchin' ride, I've helped out my family and bestowed my benevolence upon my friends. I'm really a good guy, aren't I? What do I need now? Um, a house, that's what. I need a NICE house, to reward myself for being so nice. Do I build, or do I walk up and knock on the door of the house I've been drooling over since I moved to this town and make an offer? I know, I'll hire a contractor to copy that house, and build it on the edge of town, with a few upgraded amenities, to suitably thank me for being me.

Here's the house dilemma. I would love a big house, but not too big. A really big house is hard to clean, and it's very pretentious to have a live-in maid. Also, if your house is really big, people want to come and stay over all the time, which can be annoying. I like my privacy. I also like guests, I just want them to go home at the end of the day. It has to be set amongst trees, just not so many that they lose too many leaves and make it hard to rake, or make it hard to grow grass. It also has to have a big piece of property around it, big enough for a long driveway with trees set on either side, and big enough to play with my outside toys. Just not so big that it has to be so far out of town that I can't even buy milk without having to drive for 20 minutes.

So I've now gotten my perfectly sized house, with just the right amount of trees and property. I'm laughing now right? Not really. I have to decide on pools. Do I try to be economical and set up a nice above-ground with a nice surrounding deck? Or do I go in-ground? I mean, I AM rich, aren't I? It has to be in-ground. But do I go oval, rectagle, or kidney shaped? And not being a strong swimmer, do I make it all one depth throughout, so I don't drown? Hmm, it's not easy being me, let me tell you.

The pool question also brings up the hot-tub issue. How many people should it fit? Luckily we're on the edge of town, so privacy is not a real issue. I can spa in my "natural state" without having to erect a shelter (get your mind out of the gutter). However, do I want one attached to my pool, like on TV, or one that is of nice maple construction and tucked in close to my expansive deck? It's hard being rich.

Finally, toys. I've always wanted a motorcycle, but my mother is dead-set against them. Can't upset mother too much, she is getting older. A boat, but I can't really swim that well, so water isn't my best friend. I guess I need to answer the age-old question of ATV vs. Snowmobile. We don't live in the great northland, so there isn't much snow to ride a sled on. I'm not a huge fan of riding 4 wheelers, though they can be a little amusing. I DO need a toy to haul behind my Navigator, to justify its ownership. Money doesn't grow on trees, you know. The compromise would seem to be, buy one of each. However, experience tells me that watching someone ride a recreational vehicle isn't nearly as fun as riding one with them. You simply must have at least two. Guess I'll have to buy two of each. There's really no way around it, can't have bored friends and family watching me have fun, it's not very good hospitality. I can't have them going home that night, thinking I'm a bore, now can I?

All the sudden, it's very late when you look at the clock, and you have to wake up early. It's time to ask His help again, to make sure you don't win the lottery. It may be more hassle than it's worth, and you're luckier not winning.

Well, not sure if I'd go that far...

And Now We Present,...Kind of.

So, it's Sunday morning, and we've had a bit of a sleep-in. We go down to the living room and watch of all things, an encore presentation of the MTV Music Awards. Then it strikes me, something that annoyed me when I watched the AMA's, and really ticks me off when I watch a talk show where musical guests perform. Or do they really?

Why on earth, as singers, do people feel it's more important to dance and flit around the stage, then it is to do the one thing that made them famous?

Onto the stage, to great applause, struts Beyonce, a beautiful woman, and ultra-talented singer. She sings a few bars of one of her ballads, then as the background music switches to a bouncy song about putting a ring on a likable choice, she dances a rigorous routine, all the while singing perfectly in tune and with great strength, without raising the microphone to her lips once. Huh? Would it have interrupted her choreography?

The most amazing aspect of the performance, was that she was received with a standing ovation. Did not one of the thousands of people present see that it wasn't her singing, it was a recording?

Later in the show, Pink, another ultra-talented singer managed a very good rendition of her song , "Sober", while also managing a very credible circus-style trapeze performance, 30 feet above the stage. She barely missed a note, and she also didn't plunge to her doom, so surely it is possible to sing while doing something else. I'm not sure that the circus act related all that well to her song, but it sure as heck was a cool performance, all the while doing something that only Pink could do, sing a Pink song.

Did Beyonce do something that only one person in all the world could do, sing like Beyonce? No, she did something that millions of people around the world could do, dance to a Beyonce song. That she did it well, and looked nice doing it are irrelevant, there are starving dancers and exotic performers anywhere that could have done it just as well, and, in some cases, for only a 20 dollar bill.

One more performance on an awards show has a burr placed squarely under my saddle, J-Lo on the AMA's. In the middle of throwing on her Louis Vuittons, she mimed a poor imitation of a boxer getting ready for a bout, ascended a stairway of her dancer's backs (don't even get me started on the reverse-sexist connotations of that act), fell flat on her ass, bounced up and gyrated like she was suffering a grande mal seizure, and strutted off the stage, without once uttering a single note. To great applause. In noting that she fell on her ass, the media lauded her courageousness and strength of character to get back up and continue on, never missing a beat. It is pretty easy not to miss a beat singing, when one isn't singing, isn't it?

There was a night-time talk show in the late 80's, early 90's (I think), The Arsenio Hall Show, where the host had one credo he applied to all musical guests: If you are going to sing on my show, then you ARE going to sing. No lip-syncing. Arsenio was offended way back then, that singers would try and foist a fake performance on their audiences. Why are we so different now, that not only do we accept it, we love it?

In a recent Ellen Degenerous Show interview, the host marvelled that her guest Lady Gaga actually sang at her shows. The singer is famous for onstage acts that not only baffle minds, but take quite a bit of physical effort. In answer, Lady Gaga laughed, and replied "I thought that is what we were supposed to do, sing...". Is she wrong, or have we just really lowered our standards as consumers?

What can we do to change this? I am not really an activist, or revolutionary, so I realize that there is very little to be done. I just hope that someday our stars and heroes tune into the fact that we love them recorded, and the sameness of our favorite songs when we hear them on our radios and CD's. But when they're live, we love the differentness that makes each performance special.

In closing, it begs the question, Would Woodstock be so memorable all these generations later, if they had bounced along to perfect recordings of their famous songs? Probably not. And that's probably why nobody's life has been changed by a Beyonce or J-Lo show.

Why It's Good to be ME.

I am not the coolest guy. This I know, and have accepted, though it has been far easier than anyone would have guessed. Want to know why? It's very easy, actually, it's because I am somebody's dad. Outlined here, you will find out some of the benefits, just read along and it'll enlighten you as to why dads are the way we are.

The first thing that you'll find is cool when you become a dad, is, it's okay to not be built like an Adonis. I'm not saying that I'm a sloth or look like Gollum, but those who know me would agree that I may be slightly more padded around the middle than Brad Pitt. The reasons why this is okay are many, but it starts with the simple fact is my work is done. I have attracted my mate (who is beautiful, BTW), and done my duty in propagating my line. The evidence is right there, two healthy, bright and shining examples of my success as a male.

Secondly, once you have a cute little child to present to the world, you simply become a prop, you are the pedestal on which they are set out for viewing. You answer a few questions, lug around the baby paraphernalia, and fade into the background. I wouldn't have it any other way either, as I know that I would rather look at a cute little kid, rather than a fully grown man, even one as pretty as Brad Pitt.

Then on to the attire. As someones dad, you will never be held totally accountable for not dressing in the latest fashions. It saves a tonne of money (a definite benefit), which you will need to save for later in life, when your little darling just has to have 150 dollar jeans, or an 85 dollar sweater!! (yeah, like I'm ever going to pay that much when Walmart has them for less than 40 bucks!) So, you might as well get used to shopping in the clearance section early in their life. Believe me, you can find some good bargains in there, and comfort can rule, when the pressure is off.

Dad's aren't cool, it's a fact of life. No matter what skate-board tricks you can pull, or dance steps you can master, you will never be cool to your teenager. (Remember the triumphant expression your Dad had on his face as he laboured through the "Running Man" at your high school dance, to which he HAD to be a chaperon, because he was a "cool dad". Fun times, huh?) This frees us to live the life we have always wanted to, but feared to do so because we wanted to fit in. Even though band WAS the coolest club at my high school, though nobody believes me in my family, as soon as my kids get to a certain age, band will become dorky. To a small child, a dad who loves to cook is awesome, a supplier of home baked delights, to a teenager, cookies have to come in a hermetically sealed package from the grocery store, or risk ridicule from their peers, that they're DAD made them. My point is this, if I ain't going to be cool anyways, I'm free to do whatever the hell I want to do, and enjoy doing it!

I know that these don't sound like good things, but if you think long enough, you can start to see the liberating qualities. Being a dad is a huge responsibility, a huger expense, and a life long commitment. We should reap what meager rewards we can, as often as we're able. So your Dad isn't simply chubby, or lame, or a fashion 911 incident. He's celebrating the honour and privilege, and exercising the rights, of being Somebody's Dad.