Oh, Go #$^K! Yourself!

Our world moves at the speed of light, science surrounds us everywhere. We have computerized cars that paralell park themselves. Coffee makers that wake us up, and start brewing on their own (not that anybody makes coffee at home anymore, grrrr). We have toothbrushes that tell us when we have sufficiently cleaned our teeth. We have even found a way to teach ourselves to be fit and healthy, while we play video games!! What have we forgotten to teach--common decency.

I am a nice person, just ask my mother. Most definitely without prejudice. But I find myself hating almost everybody I come across anymore. Sound harsh? Maybe, but it isn't without reason, let me assure you.

Yesterday, I went to the gas station. Wait for it, it gets offensive. I filled my van with the amount of fuel I wished, let my six year old daughter out of the van, and holding her hand, we started around our vehicle to go and pay. Not however, before we were almost run over by a pick-up truck that went screaming between the building and the pumps! You may think, "Wow, good thing you stopped in time," and indeed I was thinking that--in small part. What I was thinking more, was, "Why the @#$$! was that driver going so fast, in such a confined area, where there is a certainty, not just a probability, of pedestrians?"

Perhaps he had heard on the news that Woodstock was having that wierd occurance of random gas pump movement. Yes, you think they are in the place that they are municipally zoned for, serenely attached to their underground storage tanks, when BAM! Before you know it, they jump up, and move across the street, with ridiculous speed. The only way to combat it, apparently is to approach gas pumps at full throttle, regardless of whomever may be around.

Perhaps he was just an ass.

My vote goes for the second option. As after he had to hit his brakes for the millisecond it took for him to realize that I had stopped, and dragged my young daughter back to safety, he continued at speed and had the audacity to mouth phrases about my parentage and sensibility. It took all my self-control and will-power not to go over and pull him out of his truck and soundly thrash the living daylights out of him. I had my daughter, I had to maintain a modicum of decorum, and so I restrained myself to a muttered expression of distaste under my breath, completely devoid of profanity. It did little to assuage my anger.

So, you older gentleman, driving a taupe Mazda pick-up in Woodstock, yesterday shortly after 10am, on Norwich Avenue, at the Sunoco station by Burger King, you are an ass. I wish nothing good for you or your lineage. Unless, of course, you pull your head out of your own, gaping maw of a prodigious ass, and start to act like a decent human being.

Later yesterday, I went with my father-in-law to the grocery store, where he was going to purchase a large ticket item, which required the cargo capabilities of our van to bring it home. I now work as a service provider for the grocery business, so I am fully aware that the Saturday of the Easter Weekend is the single biggest sales day of the year. We were very polite, and, aware of the busy-ness of the day, inquired at the customer service/lottery counter, rather than disturb the associates on the floor, to get our item. Well, it was all for naught, as the lady promptly paged for someone from in the store proper, and left us to stand and awkwardly wait for someone to help us.

Enough time passed for us to read a chapter of a fairly wordy book, before another associate strolled in, and kind of looked at us, without any greeting of any type. The first lady said, "Yeah, they want a ____." Without any further instruction, this second associate turned on her heel, and walked into the store area displaying the object of our visit. We pointed out which one we wanted, she said, "That's the one you want?" we agreed, and then we were off again, to follow her without any instruction. I inquired to her back if they had any that had already been assembled, to which she said no, that "was an extra charge." She didn't actually bother to see if we were willing to inccur such a charge, she just kept on walking.

I guess after we followed her for a while, seemingly on an aimless journey around the store, she must have tired of her two full grown "puppies", she informed us that she was just "going to the back to get it, you don't need to follow me all over." Perhaps good customer service would have dictated she just inform us what she was going to do, and give us the option to wait wherever we were most comfortable.

Perhaps she was just an ass.

Having dealt with the employees at this store for some time now, and experiencing the feeling that they were indeed doing me a favour by letting me spend my money there, providing them with further employment, I vote again for the second option.

Many of my fellow townspeople will know of which store I am speaking, and want to come to its defence. So I will stipulate this, not all of its associates are dreadful. In fact, the store owner still understands the tenents of customer service, but he doesn't force the entire staff to exercise them, and in fact, his most apparently "valuable" staff members are amongst the worst offenders.

Where does this lack of decency and respect stem from. I will go out on a limb here, and say it all started with the disdain for corporal punishment. Parents saying, "Oh, I don't believe in spanking, it doesn't show a respect for my child," has resulted in the rest of the world saying, "Oh, those young people don't show respect for others."

With new-age parents showing a desrespect for time-honoured traditions like spankings, and in schools, the "Strap", our society has bred a new type of young person, who have a sense of entitlement that astounds me.

For example, as I was driving up the street towards my home recently, I saw a teenager standing at the curb, in the middle of the block, so far from the corner in fact, he was standing on grass. I saw him look at me, and guage that I was indeed too close for him to cross safely, I even had eye contact with him at this point. Yet, without fear, he stepped out and began to cross the street, DIAGONALLY, EVEN, which took him directly across the path of my oncoming car. Maintaining eye contact the whole time, knowing he was making me alter the pace and course of my vehicle, I watched him walk at a leisurely pace right in front of me. Unable to contain myself anymore, I honked my horn at him as he cleared the right corner of my hood, close enough to touch it. To which he responded with a universal salute you all would understand. I came home and threatened my own son with my foot broken off in his exhaust port if I ever caught him behaving so poorly.

Yet, all is not lost. Let me tell you of a really wonderful experience of decency that my family experienced. Last fall, after dropping our daughter off at a birthday party in Woodstock, my wife and I were at odds of how to waste two and a half hours of free time. Not for long, as my wife's friend said, "Hey, come wait at my mom's with me."

Feeling somewhat intrusive, we went and found this lady still her pajamas, playing with the grandkids that had just had a sleepover. Without batting an eye at two extra visitors appearing sans formal invitation, we were welcomed and soon engrossed in stimulating and fun conversation. In fact, our impromptu visit soon became an invitation for dinner, despite the fact we had to leave and come back. I received valuable career advice, a most delicious meal, and by the end of the night, I was guaranteed a place in the will. (Okay, maybe that's just my interpretation.)

My point isn't as much that in order to be a decent person you have to feed me, (but that does help) you just have to be open and friendly, and ready to smile. There is an old adage that finds its root in the bible, that says, "Treat others, the way you would have them treat you in return." If children were all taught this without fail, our world would be a better place.

Would I rather praise my kid than punish my kid? Yes, but if they are acting poorly they deserve some poor treatment in response. Would I rather students not get the "Strap" at school? Yes, but if they are behaving in a very bad fashion, it needs to be there as a deterrant. Respect for others should be inate, but often it isn't. Sometimes we need to push it along a little.

And finally, would I rather make someone wait in a parking lot sometimes rather than make them dinner? To be honest, probably yes. But, I think I may start to cook that dinner, in hopes to see it paid forward somewhere, somehow.

I didn't want to take this journey, but now that I'm on it...

As a responsible, red-blooded man, there's a list of things that you never want to hear. It's a relatively short one--things like someone you know is dead, your significant other has (a) cheated, (b) decided you are no longer significant to them, (c) spent all of your money, (d) wrecked the family car. This list generally impacts the things a man holds as key to his core identity. Probably one of the most heinous things to hear, is that you are no longer required at your place of employment.

Ask most men about themselves, and the first thing they respond with is their job; "I'm a lawyer," "I'm a contractor," "I'm a plumber," no matter what their vocation, it is integral to their being.

I was a Production Supervisor, a good one, for a division of a national dairy co-operative. I didn't necessarily hold it as my life's ambition, but I took pride in the fact that I gave it 100%, every time I walked in the doors. I'm writing about the day I heard that I was no longer required, and my journey since that day.

"We're going in a different direction..."

If those are the words that are spoken, or any other combination that spells "goodbye", and you've had nothing indicated to you that you may be in jeopardy, they strike you with the force of a sledgehammer, right in the stomach. Your first impulse is panic. How are the bills going to be paid? How will your family eat? How will you be able to buy Christmas presents? These questions shoot rapid-fire through your mind. Then you think of things like, What am I going to tell people? Are people going to believe that I'm not fired? How am I going to face my wife? My kids? My family?

The panic starts to fade, as soon as the anger starts to boil. How dare they let ME go? Just who the @#&K do they think they are!?! They are going to rue this day!!! You get the point, and in fact, there is probably a lot more expletives flowing at this time, so it's better to move on.

In my particular case, the answers about financial matters were quickly answered by a discussion involving a severance package, that I am contractually obligated to not discuss, though upon some investigation it proved to be fair, not extravagant, but fair.

In a matter of a few moments, I had been transformed from a loyal employee of almost 5 years, to a speechless, shell-shocked, unemployed guy, who had to be escorted from the premises that the very day before I was completely responsible for, for huge chunks of time. This is stuff that happens to others, never me! Well, it certainly can happen, it certainly did.

There are things that I will remember about this job, that will certainly sound like a disgruntled former employee, so I will hold my tongue, for the most part. I will not forget the wonderful people I worked with, as well as the not-so wonderful. I will never forget the callousness of being led into a meeting, about to have my world smashed, by someone who wanted to see me "for a minute..." I won't forget becoming "expendable", on the second day of my week, because it was more convenient than meeting me on a Sunday night (my Monday). I will remember these as a guide on how people should be shown respect and courtesy, even if they don't fit into the long-term plans of a company. I will never show someone the same discourtesy that was shown to me.

As you drive home, your stomach sinks lower and lower into your abdomen, as you dread the first person you must impart this news to, your wife. You have always taken pride in the fact that you are the provider, you are the rock, that stuff needs to be done, and you do it. Now, you must show vulnerability, you must be less than your image of yourself, and you feel small. My wife, after the shock of the whole thing wore off, was a pillar of support for me. She never once pointed a finger, and I'll never be able to repay her for her rebuilding me, making me feel whole.

The most respectful thing that the company did in transitioning me into unemployment, was to provide me the services of a career transitionalist. It was a kind of "we can't use you, but someone else may, and here's someone to help you find them" gesture, but it was valuable. I dealt originally with a guy named Terry, from a firm in London, who while being very likable and intense, was very unhelpful. Like Anthony Powers, but without a seminar, or a high-powered car salesman without a car lot. He did however, put me in touch with Allison, who helped me assemble the things I needed to craft a kick-ass resume, which I can attest, opens doors. Thanks Allison.

There are many handy things a transitionalist will speak of, the "hidden" job market, how to build your network, and therefore your potential to find a job. They also say that most jobs aren't found in postings and advertisements, they are found by calling the companies on your "target list". I say, respectfully, if someone wants to hire someone, then they post an ad, they are the most likely ones to be hiring. But, what do I know, I was just an unemployed guy?

I learned some valuable interview skills from them, I learned how to use the search tools available to everyone online, and I learned to rely on myself. Ultimately, there is only one person who is able to help you find employment, you.

So I had a new full-time job, finding one, that paid. You are told by everyone you come across in the job-finding industry, to expect at least a six-month search. For me, six months was too long--I needed no more than 4. Cue the hard work.

I have found from personal experience, that the "hidden job market" is hidden for a reason, because it doesn't exist. I advocate a simple approach, once you have a stellar resume, and are connected to the various search engines and job sites, apply, apply, apply. Apply to any and every job that vaguely resembles something you can do. Apply to jobs near and far, even if you are extremely limited as to locations you can accept employment in. Put your kick-ass resume into cyber-space in as many nooks and crannies as you possibly can, and then, wait.

The waiting sucks, hard. It sucks, but it can pay off, as soon you will be getting calls from recruiters, from companies, and hopefully one will pay off. Never say no to someone right away, even if they are from Cornwall, because you want to get that next step along the process, because if you handle it right, you can inch your way into talking to the person with the right chance, your chance.

What else that sucks, is the total disregard that potential employers hold for you. They expect you to jump the moment that they call you for an interview. Which you must do, or else. They expect you to wait patiently for them, 20 minutes after your appointment time, because they got sidetracked. They expect you to lay out your soul for them, to explain and defend every move you have ever made in life, so they can pass judgement on you as a person. Then they promise to call you by a certain date, because it is only polite to do so, regardless of the outcome, but never call.

Looking for a job, is a life-lesson on how little value we have as members of society, if we are unlucky enough to be unemployed. It is also a hard-knocks school we can attend to strengthen ourselves as individuals, and to create our own 10 Commandments of how to treat people with dignity and respect, despite the station they occupy in life.

Well 18 interviews later, and in only 4 months, (Thank you very much!) I had not one but two final job offers!! It merely took applying to upwards of 400 positions, and countless prayers. A final lesson, never discount the help of the Almighty when searching for your place in life.

I am engrossed in training with a company that I selected from my two offers not because they offered more money, because they didn't, but because they were one of the only ones in my search who made a commitment and honoured it. I hope for a long and profitable future with them, living by the new lessons I have had these past few months.

When life hands you lemons, and you want to kick it in the stones, don't. Take that energy and make lemonade, it just tastes better.

I need a Cigarette...I just had "Multiple Rants"

I'm sorry, I haven't posted in a few days, okay more like 10 or 11, but I've been busy. It's work, you know, soaking up the world's follies and trying to organize them into coherent paragraphs. I didn't have one major item that annoyed me greatly, so here are a bunch of smaller ones:

1/ Remember, Mom said to wear clean underwear when you're travelling, just in case... : Okay, so there are bad people in the world, nobody argues with that. Why then, are people arguing with the installation of body scanners at airports? Duh! I was stuck in a line-up for a car wash yesterday and while I was listening to a radio talk show (Yes, I like AM radio, what of it?) I heard supposedly intelligent people calling in complaining about their right to privacy. How about my right not to get blown up by an idiot with a bomb shoved up his ass?

The president of Ryerson's School of Law(and something else), a Dr. Levinn(?) came on in strong opposition of the scanners. He likened the scanners to us living in a dictatorship, with no rights, and the government subjugating us and oppressing us. He felt we were sliding down a slippery slope, and the government was taking the easy way out, installing machines to scan everybody, instead of keeping proper intelligence on "questionable" individuals, or groups of people, and just bothering them when they try to travel. He would rather we pull aside every 20-35 year-old and hand-scan them (those are the ages of most of our terrorists?), or every person of the nationality whose country we deem to be our greatest threats, rather than scanning innocent individuals. Gee, that sounds like he is promoting a prejudiced, profiling view, unfairly targeting huge sections of innocent individuals.
If we were to adopt his methods, we would be throwing ourselves whole-heartedly back in time, to when it was okay to stereotype whole races. Blacks are stupid, ignorant people, let's make them slaves. The Irish are dumb immigrants, trying to steal our jobs, nobody hire them. Women aren't capable of rational thought, don't give them the vote. All Muslims are terrorists, put them all away.
None of these are true, so we can't let logic like that prevail. It is true that there are dumb black people and Irish people, but there are certainly an equal number of other dumb people. Some women have trouble making decisions, but so do some men. Some Muslims are terrorists, but no more than any other religion. When we separate one group to "look at closer" we are more guilty of oppression than having every single person go through a scanner.
I remember simple logic that my mother taught me, when we were little kids. It's only fair if everyone gets to do it. It's only fair to bring treats to school if there's enough for everyone. It's only fair to play with a toy if everyone gets to play. It's only fair to have scanners at the airport if everyone has to be scanned.
So, suck it up, make sure you have on clean underwear, and go through the damn scanner. You'll only get in trouble, if you happen to have a bomb on you.

2/ Where in the World is Tiger Woods?: Where is he? Since I last mentioned him, he hasn't been seen, except sneaking in and out of a cosmetic dentistry office. Is it possible that yours truly drove him into hiding? If he's too embarrassed to show his face because his wife really did knock his teeth in with a golf club, then he's more of a coward than I thought. You did a bad thing, she did a totally understandable thing, be a man and accept the consequences. The world is continuing to spin without Tiger, you are just making yourself look like more of an ass.

3/ Team Canada lost at the World Juniors, We're DOOMED!!: So, Canada only won silver this year, and didn't make it 6 consecutive gold medals. Boo Hoo. Then I read online how pathetic we are as a nation, and our hockey programs are garbage, that we will not win at the Olympics. How about being proud of those young men who really gave it their all to try and bring the gold home? We are doing those guys a huge disservice.
Canada is the greatest country on earth, and I am sick of everyone not giving us our due. I don't feel we have to completely hitch our wagons to the "Hockey Star". We do far more than play hockey here. We created the telephone, the snow-mobile, and the Blackberry! We kick ass at curling. (Okay, so that's a stretch, yahoo!) So, show some pride, and be glad to be Canadian.
Incidentally, we ARE going to win gold at the Olympics.

4/ At Walmart yesterday, guess what I found on a shelf?: A brown paper cup...GRRRRRRRR!!
Does nobody have any decency out there?

5/ To whomever blinked their high beams at me on the 401...: You know who you are, driving a silver Honda Civic, between the hours of 1:30pm and 2:27pm, between Ingersoll and Woodstock. What the @#%&!?! If I am going 124kms/hr, and passing all the vehicles in the other two lanes, DO NOT come screaming out of nowhere in the middle lane, then jump in behind me, and blink for me to get over. If you hadn't been in that lane, then I would have been able to move over to let you pass. If we weren't both passing the other cars, I would have pulled over to let you pass. But, why are YOU so much more important than I, so much so that I have to slow my progress towards my destination and fall in behind slower cars to let you move on through?
Drivers licenses should only be issued to those who are not stupid. Then there would be lots of space left for the precious few of us left, out there on the roads.

6/ This is actually a thumbs up!: The Canadian Supreme Council of Muslims issued a farwa(?), declaring that attacks of Canada and the USA are actually attacks on MUSLIMS.
Now, a positive step against jihad. Like I said, not all muslims are terrorists, in fact, there are 20 million muslims in North America, freely worshipping. 20 imams, or leaders from major mosques are standing up for those who aren't, and pointing out to the terrorists who is actually getting hurt in these senseless attacks. It's about time someone made some sense!

Stay tuned for more, same bat blog...

I see Brown, I see Red!

Today I feel the need to question authority. A need to question laws, both existentially and divine. Maybe I need to wonder if as a nation, it is possible to become brain-washed? Or, how could a government allow wholesale mind-control, nay even participate in it?

Who pray tell is the culprit, the evil genius behind all this? Who has our country so addicted that we can't do anything without first lining up for our fix? Who is infiltrating our minds and consciousness, converting us from free thinkers, into subjugated tweakers, at the mercy of percolating doom machines.

I'll merely refer to them as TH. It could mean Top Hats, Tom Hughes', or many other combinations of those letters. Or, it may not.

I'll begin by saying I have nothing against free enterprise. I do not take issue with a company being profitable, by whatever means is morally possible. And I will also say that this is my own opinion, not supported by any group or organization, and not supported by any facts or information gained illegally or otherwise. This is pure conjecture, though it may be portrayed as truths. (There, in case someone from TH happens across this, I won't be sued, I hope.)

I will also stipulate that I enjoy much of the fare offered by TH, in moderation of course. I do not however, enjoy drinking TH coffee, which is a personal choice, one that may enable the still free-functioning thought processes that allow me to write this blog.

To my knowledge, there has not been a law passed by provincial or federal governments that grants TH coffee special status, and as such not subject to all the taxation or laws that govern our nation. Why is it that traffic laws in areas surrounding TH stores become nullified during peak rush hours? Namely before work, during lunch, and Sunday mornings? Long line-ups in Drive-Thru cause back ups sometimes 20 cars long into the street. Not to worry, if we want to go INTO the parking lot and actually get OUT of our cars to walk in for our cups of social demise, we can drive on the wrong side of the street, and get upset when someone driving on the correct side impedes our progress. No police officer in the nation would cite us for an accident caused due to that, right? Similarly, there are traditionally large sections of NO PARKING along the curb in front of, or at the side of TH store locations. Yet I continually see cars clogging turning lanes, or blocking traffic, as the drivers lurch in, "for just a quick second..." to get their insulated vats filled. Or, in some situations, tractor trailers parked at the side, causing massive chaos, as through traffic is forced to dart out and around them, at their peril. All this with very little consequence, as it seems law enforcers turn a blind eye to laws that impede free access to the brown nectar.

If you have read my prior postings, you may be aware that I was raised as a Catholic, an observing one. In all my years as such, I was never aware of the 11th Commandment, "Thou shall have unhindered access to TH coffee". In studies of world religions, I have never come across a similar tenet of faith that guaranteed TH as a divine right. Yet, we feel completely free to bring it with us wherever we go. Going to the grocery store, better stop for one. Going to the hardware store, jeez, swing by the Drive-Thru. Going to work, wow, really need one. Going to the mall, great, don't have to stop, we'll get one there. Here's the one that actually prompted this rant, I was reading a post on FB, that someone actually had the nerve to bring some to CHURCH!!! Talk about a feeling of Divine Rights!

I find it repugnant that I cannot go to Walmart without seeing a full third of people trolling the aisles with a familiar paper cup clutched in their hands. What is especially offensive is finding their empty cups stashed on shelves or in empty spaces behind fire extinguishers. Did the associate from store standards sign up to be your maid? Probably not.

Does the standard shopping cart come with a cupholder? Nope. So this forces people to abandon any semblance of manners and grip the cup by its edge in their front teeth when they have to actually pick up an item. Luckily in our country dental work isn't covered by our universal medical care. How many orthodontic procedures would be required to cure the "paper cup over-bite"?

How much revenue is lost in businesses due to people bringing in their own TH? In Walmart alone, the losses must be huge. Every location has its own McDonalds outlet, which sells coffee. I'm not going praise the virtues of McDonalds, but why should it suffer at the hands of a competitor, inside its own premises? How many local arenas, curling clubs or sports facilities suffer lost concessions? I support my children's development, sure, but not if it is going to get in the way of my fix!

I applaud our local bowling alley. Posted prominently on their door is a sign that reads "NO Outside Food or Drink, This includes TH". I used to love to sit while my kid played in the youth league and watch the faces of the incensed parents who, true to their conditioning, stopped off on the way, only to have to take it back to the car and let it go cold. "What do you mean I can't bring it here, it's TH?!?" I enjoy Diet Pepsi, but they only sold Diet Coke. Guess what I drank at the bowling alley?

People need to ask themselves, "Do I really need to drink it?" Is it really necessary to bring it to school, to work, to the store, to CHURCH? It is possible to brew coffee at a location other than a TH, you can do it at home, even. People have done it for centuries.

Often those folks who have the unfortunate addiction to smoking are looked down upon, because they cannot go hours and hours without lighting up. I say we should cast that downward glance further afield, and gaze upon those who can't make it from breakfast to lunch without getting the jitters. Those who can't sit through an assembly at their child's school without a cup of lost free will. Those who can't last the 40 minutes or so it takes to pick out their family's food for the week. Gaze downward on them, until they can gain the necessary perspective to function in life.

I'll end this by saying don't quit drinking coffee, just quit letting it run our lives. Let's have one significant memory of a special event that doesn't include a brown paper cup somewhere in it.

Let's try something crazy, and have a cup of tea, instead.

I got what I wanted for Christmas...AND it fits Perfectly!!!

So, every year someone talks about how it's the little things that make Christmas special. Every year you think, "yeah, right...". But I'm here to tell you, there may be something to it...

I grew up in a family with 4 kids, and Mom and Dad weren't rich--we never wanted for anything, but let's just say we weren't Rockefellers. We were also a religious family, not pounding door to door with bibles, but we went to church every week, and especially on holidays. So when Christmas came around, we each got one big present, the "whatever" we really really wanted, and some smaller ones. We planned our festivities around the times we went to church, and even though as a child you didn't relish the time spent there, there was a certain magesty about it that lent a festive solemnity to Christmas that made it special. I still remember the lighting of advent wreaths, and the massive nativity scene that was set up in our parish church every year, celebrating the birth behind the holiday.

Christmas meant more than just the gifts we received, not that I'm complaining about the gifts, I LOVED the gifts. It's just that there was two parts of Christmas, the presents AND the religion. It often gets overlooked in the commercialized hubbub of today that Christmas is a celebration of Christ, not a celebration of Toys 'R' Us, or Walmart or any other large retailer. Just recently this was shown to me by my daughter, who goes to our local catholic school, when she received a Virtue Award, for celebrating the virtue of Hope in December by reminding her classmates that Christmas wasn't just about presents, it was about Jesus. I was there in the gym when she received her certificate and watched her proudly display it, and it was my first gift this Christmas.

It can be easy to feel resentful of Christmas, when you think about all the money required to have a "perfect" Christmas. This year finds me unemployed at the holidays, so I am extra conscious of the pennies spent in pleasing our kids. I don't subscribe to the notion that they have to have the most stuff of any kid in school, but I also don't want them to feel like they are short-changed. I don't resent buying them stuff they'll enjoy, just that feeling that if they don't have as many presents as the Jones', I'm being a neglectful parent. No parent wants to deny their child happiness, but should we feel we have to spend our last shekels buying it?

"I may not be rich in material things, but I am rich where it
counts..."

This line comes in many fables and fairy tales, but it has some validity to it. I can be rich if I have many valued friends. I am definitely rich if I have my family around me. I can assure you that there is only one moment in one's life that's more desolate than when Christmas Eve comes around and you are alone. That moment is when you are done watching your kids open their presents, you see how happy they are, then you have to leave.

The best gift I have ever received was when my wife and I, separated for more than two years, reconciled. It wasn't at Christmas, but it I still count it a gift every day, and every special occaision that requires the giving of gifts. It completes my list, every time. It gave me back the one person I was meant to be with, and it gave me back my family. It cost nothing, yet it is the only gift that keeps on giving. Giving moments of both extreme happiness, and extreme frustration, and all the little points in between.

So indeed, it was with great relief that I surveyed my children's happy faces this morning as they tore into their lovingly wrapped packages (my beautiful wife is to thank for that, not me). We managed to pull it off for one more year. Even as those happy children, only a few moments later, ripped into each other, I still thanked the Lord for my gifts this Christmas, because they fit just perfectly.

If I had a Million Dollars...

Have you ever laid your head down upon your pillow at night, after going that afternoon and taking that leap of faith and purchased a lottery ticket. There's that moment of certainty, that THIS time, there's no doubt, that THIS time it'll be YOUR number called out when all the little ping pong balls fall into the tubes. Isn't that feeling wonderful?

First thoughts: Depending on how much money you're going to win, is "How much money can I give away to my family and friends, and still be filthy rich?" Now, this is a valid question, because giving away a chunk of the money is vital--it saves you from appearing to be greedy, and it ensures that if your relatives win money they give some back to you. More importantly, if you're like me, and you offer a small prayer for success, you are getting on the good side of the Lord about the good works you will do if he just this one time, alters the goings on down here for your benefit. It never hurts to enlist His aid. It never seems to amount to much in terms of dollars and cents won, but you are certainly going to lose if you say, "Lord, I'm going to keep every last penny, buy the mortgages on my family's homes, foreclose and make a killing. Mom and Dad have an absolutely GREAT location..."

Now, once you've got the good deeds out of the way, and you're still filthy rich, what is the first thing you want to buy, for YOU? For me, it has always been about a car. A Mustang, to be exact. I've wanted a really souped up, hot rod, fancy one since I was old enough to hear the throaty rumble, and read 5.0 on the side of the car. The conundrum: Do I buy an old classic one, or a new modern one? Ford has really aided this decision recently as they have gone quite retro in the design of my dream car. I can have my cake AND eat it too! Yay, me!

Of course, driving a Mustang in the winter can be dangerous, with all that power and torque. Besides that, driving a muscle car in winter is for those that can't afford a beater. Let's buy an SUV, they're safer in bad weather, right? Can anyone say, Lincoln Navigator? A black one, with all the bells and whistles. That should suffice. It also serves a use, I can tow my boat with it, or my snowmobile trailer. Gotta be practical, right?

My wife needs a new car too, whatever she wants. Pretty sure she wants an Escape. Maybe if we show up at the dealership with a wad of cash we can get a really good deal? Maybe at cost...Just because I'm rich, it doesn't mean I want to waste money. And as for our van, our perfectly good minivan, that we both really enjoy driving, and is the nicest vehicle we've owned to date: I'm sure we have a friend who'll buy it from us. Even if we sell it at a loss.

So now I've got a bitchin' ride, I've helped out my family and bestowed my benevolence upon my friends. I'm really a good guy, aren't I? What do I need now? Um, a house, that's what. I need a NICE house, to reward myself for being so nice. Do I build, or do I walk up and knock on the door of the house I've been drooling over since I moved to this town and make an offer? I know, I'll hire a contractor to copy that house, and build it on the edge of town, with a few upgraded amenities, to suitably thank me for being me.

Here's the house dilemma. I would love a big house, but not too big. A really big house is hard to clean, and it's very pretentious to have a live-in maid. Also, if your house is really big, people want to come and stay over all the time, which can be annoying. I like my privacy. I also like guests, I just want them to go home at the end of the day. It has to be set amongst trees, just not so many that they lose too many leaves and make it hard to rake, or make it hard to grow grass. It also has to have a big piece of property around it, big enough for a long driveway with trees set on either side, and big enough to play with my outside toys. Just not so big that it has to be so far out of town that I can't even buy milk without having to drive for 20 minutes.

So I've now gotten my perfectly sized house, with just the right amount of trees and property. I'm laughing now right? Not really. I have to decide on pools. Do I try to be economical and set up a nice above-ground with a nice surrounding deck? Or do I go in-ground? I mean, I AM rich, aren't I? It has to be in-ground. But do I go oval, rectagle, or kidney shaped? And not being a strong swimmer, do I make it all one depth throughout, so I don't drown? Hmm, it's not easy being me, let me tell you.

The pool question also brings up the hot-tub issue. How many people should it fit? Luckily we're on the edge of town, so privacy is not a real issue. I can spa in my "natural state" without having to erect a shelter (get your mind out of the gutter). However, do I want one attached to my pool, like on TV, or one that is of nice maple construction and tucked in close to my expansive deck? It's hard being rich.

Finally, toys. I've always wanted a motorcycle, but my mother is dead-set against them. Can't upset mother too much, she is getting older. A boat, but I can't really swim that well, so water isn't my best friend. I guess I need to answer the age-old question of ATV vs. Snowmobile. We don't live in the great northland, so there isn't much snow to ride a sled on. I'm not a huge fan of riding 4 wheelers, though they can be a little amusing. I DO need a toy to haul behind my Navigator, to justify its ownership. Money doesn't grow on trees, you know. The compromise would seem to be, buy one of each. However, experience tells me that watching someone ride a recreational vehicle isn't nearly as fun as riding one with them. You simply must have at least two. Guess I'll have to buy two of each. There's really no way around it, can't have bored friends and family watching me have fun, it's not very good hospitality. I can't have them going home that night, thinking I'm a bore, now can I?

All the sudden, it's very late when you look at the clock, and you have to wake up early. It's time to ask His help again, to make sure you don't win the lottery. It may be more hassle than it's worth, and you're luckier not winning.

Well, not sure if I'd go that far...

And Now We Present,...Kind of.

So, it's Sunday morning, and we've had a bit of a sleep-in. We go down to the living room and watch of all things, an encore presentation of the MTV Music Awards. Then it strikes me, something that annoyed me when I watched the AMA's, and really ticks me off when I watch a talk show where musical guests perform. Or do they really?

Why on earth, as singers, do people feel it's more important to dance and flit around the stage, then it is to do the one thing that made them famous?

Onto the stage, to great applause, struts Beyonce, a beautiful woman, and ultra-talented singer. She sings a few bars of one of her ballads, then as the background music switches to a bouncy song about putting a ring on a likable choice, she dances a rigorous routine, all the while singing perfectly in tune and with great strength, without raising the microphone to her lips once. Huh? Would it have interrupted her choreography?

The most amazing aspect of the performance, was that she was received with a standing ovation. Did not one of the thousands of people present see that it wasn't her singing, it was a recording?

Later in the show, Pink, another ultra-talented singer managed a very good rendition of her song , "Sober", while also managing a very credible circus-style trapeze performance, 30 feet above the stage. She barely missed a note, and she also didn't plunge to her doom, so surely it is possible to sing while doing something else. I'm not sure that the circus act related all that well to her song, but it sure as heck was a cool performance, all the while doing something that only Pink could do, sing a Pink song.

Did Beyonce do something that only one person in all the world could do, sing like Beyonce? No, she did something that millions of people around the world could do, dance to a Beyonce song. That she did it well, and looked nice doing it are irrelevant, there are starving dancers and exotic performers anywhere that could have done it just as well, and, in some cases, for only a 20 dollar bill.

One more performance on an awards show has a burr placed squarely under my saddle, J-Lo on the AMA's. In the middle of throwing on her Louis Vuittons, she mimed a poor imitation of a boxer getting ready for a bout, ascended a stairway of her dancer's backs (don't even get me started on the reverse-sexist connotations of that act), fell flat on her ass, bounced up and gyrated like she was suffering a grande mal seizure, and strutted off the stage, without once uttering a single note. To great applause. In noting that she fell on her ass, the media lauded her courageousness and strength of character to get back up and continue on, never missing a beat. It is pretty easy not to miss a beat singing, when one isn't singing, isn't it?

There was a night-time talk show in the late 80's, early 90's (I think), The Arsenio Hall Show, where the host had one credo he applied to all musical guests: If you are going to sing on my show, then you ARE going to sing. No lip-syncing. Arsenio was offended way back then, that singers would try and foist a fake performance on their audiences. Why are we so different now, that not only do we accept it, we love it?

In a recent Ellen Degenerous Show interview, the host marvelled that her guest Lady Gaga actually sang at her shows. The singer is famous for onstage acts that not only baffle minds, but take quite a bit of physical effort. In answer, Lady Gaga laughed, and replied "I thought that is what we were supposed to do, sing...". Is she wrong, or have we just really lowered our standards as consumers?

What can we do to change this? I am not really an activist, or revolutionary, so I realize that there is very little to be done. I just hope that someday our stars and heroes tune into the fact that we love them recorded, and the sameness of our favorite songs when we hear them on our radios and CD's. But when they're live, we love the differentness that makes each performance special.

In closing, it begs the question, Would Woodstock be so memorable all these generations later, if they had bounced along to perfect recordings of their famous songs? Probably not. And that's probably why nobody's life has been changed by a Beyonce or J-Lo show.